sorry guys, I couldn't get a hold of a computer yesterday. well, no, that's not true, seeing as how I own one but I was too busy reading up on virgin saints who get eaten by dragons to post
so, anyhow, here is one post in lieu of two, because it's kind of long.
what you are about to read is the funniest piece of fan fiction that I've ever read. a little bit of context, Nikolai is The Strokes' incredible bassist, shy and soft spoken as can be and Julian is their dreamy and obnoxiously loud lead singer. the two were best friends growing up.
I found the piece on
The Strokes' fan forumenjoy!
Are you there God? It's me, Nikolai. Wow. I feel kind of dumb. I never tried talking to you before. But I need some help, divine intervention maybe. So here goes... OK, it's harder to ask than I thought. Maybe I should give you some background about myself, remind you of who I am. I hang out with my best buds, Fab and Albert. Fab's kind of hyper and Albert ... well he's Albert! Dresses cool and boasts a whole lot! There's this boy Julian. Words can't even describe him. I have this huge crush on him but he doesn't even know I exist. And why would he? See, Nick's also got a kind of crush on him - Nick is prettier than me and slimmer, with nice hair. What wouldn't I give to cut my hair in the same way but it's too thick. I'd look like I was wearing some kind of helmet, godammit! Shit...sorry. Didn't mean to use your name. Anyways, I'm tired so I'll speak to you more tomorrow night.
Are you there God? Hi, yeah, its Nikolai again, remember?
I can't believe I'm praying before bedtime again, I guess I must be desperate! Anyways, today Fab and Bert and I all went to the mall. We looked in the music store - Fab always makes us look under S to check we're in there - before going to get some food. I couldn't believe when Fab said he'd invited Julian - maybe I'd get the courage to talk to him today. I got a Happy Meal (chicken nuggets and coke) with some shitty dog toy. We just sat down at the table when Julian walked in and went to the counter. His hair was messy, his shirt was open where a button had fallen off and his pants were dirty and torn. He was beautiful. He came and sat next to me. Bert starting kicking me under the table and Fab kept winking. I wish I'd never told them now.
Julian opened his Happy Meal container. "Oh fuck". He threw his hamburger on the floor. I wanted to ask what was wrong, to put my arm around those firm shoulders and comfort him. But I couldn't. "What's up?" Fab asked. "I have every single `animal in my pocket' except the motherfucking dog. I just got the cat. I ALREADY HAVE THE SHITTY CAT" he yelled. Oh my god (sorry). I clutched the dog in my palm, feeling gratitude towards McDonalds I'd never felt before - not even when I won a competition colouring in Ronald McDonald when I was 6. If I gave Julian this dog, he would thank me. He would NOTICE me. Suddenly a dog dropped onto the table. It wasn't mine. "Hey Jules, you want this?" a voice asked. I looked up. Nick.
"Oh man. MAN!" Julian jumped up and hugged him. "It was nothing" Nick said modestly, batting his eyes. I don't know what I hated more, the round blue innocence of Nick's eyes or the mocking stare of the dog peering up at me from the table. God, tonight I ask one small favour - please, please may you cause every one of Nick Valensi's super long eyelashes to fall out. Thank you.
Are you there God? Hey, how you doing?
Today I had other things on my mind besides my love life (or lack of). Albert came into my room today wearing BOXER SHORTS. He said he was big enough, you know, down there, to wear boxer shorts now and that Y front underpants were too restricting for his manly body. Shit God, I know Albert is a total boaster and show off, and probably making it up but I still feel like a baby. Please make me grow so I can buy a real man's underwear.
Are you there God? Its Nikolai again.
I don't really have much to say today. I slept in late, kept my pyjamas on all day and watched TV. I did go to the shops at some point to get some Fondant Fancies before Oprah came on, and I'd forgotten to get dressed. This woman looked at me weird. I wanted to yell HEY LADY, HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN A GUY IN FUSHIA THERMALS BEFORE? But I didn't. I stood closely against the shelf of tinned beetroot hoping to blend in. Why wasn't I blessed with the power of invisibility? I almost talked in public today. When the guy on the checkout gave me back my change I mouthed "Thank you". All I need now is some volume. And anyways, at least I made eye contact (for a full two seconds!) Take it slowly.
I learned from Oprah that the best way to disguise the fuller figure is to wear shirts just above the waist (so material doesn't strain over hips, ass and waist) and to avoid brightly coloured belts. I think maybe I could share some of this advice with Julian - he has curves in all the right places. But then I think he might get offended and hate me.
By the way, Oprah didn't say anything about how skinny whores should dress, Nick! (haha)
Ps I didn't notice any change down there yet. Any help would be appreciated.
Pps As far as I know, Nick still has eyelashes. Come on, just pull out a couple?
God? Hey.
Sometimes I think I should keep a diary since I don't think what I'm saying is of any interest to you. But then if I need any help, I guess you'll be up to date. AND THE BEST THING HAPPENED TODAY!
We had a rehearsal today. I wore a blue shirt which just skimmed my hips and a black belt (no, not something I got for martial arts). I fancied a change, so I combed my hair and, get this, parted it slightly to the left. I usually part it centrally, or for special occasions to the right.
So we rehearsed blahblah. And at the end Julian was like "Nicely played today Nikolai" YEAH!!!! "By the way, your hair looks different" Different? Good or bad different? I wanted to know! I NEEDED to know! "Nice". Then he walked off by himself.
No compliments for Nick (who was SO obviously wearing mascara) and no expletives for me! ONLY COMPLIMENTS! THANKYOU!
GOD??
Praying really does work!! Fab just rang me to say that Nick was wearing false eyelashes today!!! He and Fab were having a conversation about something shitty (hey, it's Nick. It isn't exactly going to be anything stimulating) when the eyelashes on his left eyelid just fell off! They were FAKE! Apparently he got some eye infection a couple of days ago and all his eyelashes fell out last night!
THANKYOU!
ARGH! Today on the bus Nick was all "Julian, come and sat near me, the seats near Nikolai are dirty". So I was like "HEY, AT LEAST MY EYELASHES ARE NATURAL". Well. I didn't say it. I thought it. But it's still pretty macho and manly of me.
Today the phone in my hotel room rang. When I answered it, the man on the other end of the line told me that he was a priest (Father Finty McHat) and that I was a very dirty boy for not going to confession for such a long, long while. I felt a bit guilty at first (aren't thinking bad thoughts a sin?), but when I looked at the call monitor, it was the number to Fab's room. HAHA. Since I was feeling bold I decided to use the phone again. I rang my mom and asked if she would PLEASE buy me some boxer shorts. She said when I was old enough to buy my own underwear I could get whatever kind I liked, but until then I wear whatever she buys. Since she thinks underpants are more respectable if I ever get hit by a bus and the nurse has to look at my underwear in hospital ("nothing will pop out"), looks like I'm wearing them for a while. Thank you God, for fate was indeed on my side today!!
It was a sort of press crazy day. Firstly we did a photo shoot. In some kind of park. I dressed in brown and stood by a tree trunk. Hopefully I won't show up in the final pictures. Fab and Albert did some magazine interview. Nick had volunteered to do MTV2 - any excuse to be on TV. He loves being asked questions coz he always pretends to ponder his answer and then pouts a lot. The bastard. So I was left to go on a radio station with....yes, you guessed it, JULIAN!! (Nick was so jealous. That'll teach you to be such a TV whore!) I decided to try and impress him by answering questions cleverly. After answering "what instrument do you play?" I got a bit worn out. And scared. Julian must have recognised the fear on my face and said it was cool for me to go and have a rest in the bus for a while. Blessed not only with the looks of an angel, the talent of a genius but also the caring nature of Mother Theresa.
Then in the evening we all went down to the MTV studios and met up with Nick for a live performance. Yet again, under the studio lights, Albert got everyone really pysched up by shuddering to the beat of the music again. He always looks really cool, and sometimes we laugh at how he lies down on the floor afterwards. (We later found out the lights were causing epileptic fits - sorry Bert!)
Are you there God? Hi, it's Nikolai.
I need to ask a favour. I think it's only a small favour, at least relative to some prayers you must get. See, Ryan says that tomorrow we can have an after show party (normally he makes us go to bed early) so I was wondering, if it's possible, that I may dance with Julian. Just one or two times. Please? He's a very good dancer (I guess I have you to thank for that). Very fluid hip motions. Sometimes I imagine that I'm Olivia Newton John and that he is John Travolta and we're singing "You're the one that I want" at the fairground. Maybe I shouldn't have told you that.
Hmm. What else? Oh yeah, is there any tiny chance you could punish Albert in some way? Like make his hair go frizzy or something. See, this evening Albert said he and Fab were starting up the "Secret Sexy Society". The rules are: you have to wear boxer shorts and you have to have a secret sexy name and occupation. Albert's secret sexy name is Romeo (pronounced Ro-may-o) the fireman and Fab is Enrique the suave doctor. Albert said I couldn't be a real member until I got boxer shorts. Than when I wanted my super sexy name to be Julio (Julian seemed a little too obvious) Albert said no, I could either be Mervin or Harold, the erotic dancer. Then he called me "flat pants" coz he says my buldge isn't as big as his. Fab just laughed. ARGH! I really hate them sometimes.
Hi God, It's me Nikolai.
Today we have to fly to England to play some festivals. I love all the male air stewards (they are so friendly). Anyway we have the tickets and my seat is beside Julian. I'll be sat beside him for 10 hours. I need you to give me the confidence to talk to him. Perhaps I could compliment him on his new haircut. He did after all, mention mine at rehearsal. He looks so hot! Nick had his cut and it looks like a lampshade! Haahaa! Fab and Albert are still teasing me about my underwear, but I have a surprise in store for them. I was out at a club with Ryan and there were these guys dancing on like little round stages. Ryan said he had been there loads of times so I guessed it would be cool. I got really drunk on Coors light (I was so bad, I had four) and ended up in a seat beside one of the dancin' guys. He had on this tiny pair of briefs with like a shirt and tie design. He was so nice, he took them off and handed me them. He wasn't even embarrassed about anyone seeing him naked. I washed them this morning and put them on and they look great. And they're not boxer shorts so Mom will be cool, but they are cooler than regular briefs. Albert is gonna be so jealous coz he only has a shirt and tie on his body. They'll surely let me in their Secret Sexy Society now. I'd really like to tell Jules about my new underwear on the flight so please God. Help me out.
Our Father who art in heaven Julian be thy name. Sorry God I meant hallo be thy name. Honest.
It's me Nikolai, you remember, don't you?
God the flight to England was great. We got on the plane and into our seats, and I was sat right next to Julian, in the seat by the aisle. When we first sat down it was fine, me and Jules were laughing together at Albert and Fab trying to recline in their chairs. They were stuck and the guys leaned back too hard and Fab crushed poor Ryan and Alby crushed Nick. Was that you God? Did you arrange for Nick to be crushed? Thank you. Julian was actually laughing at Nick being in pain! Shortly after, the movie started. I was so excited, it was Legally Blonde! Wow for a white girl Reese Witherspoon sure has attitude! After the movie I ran over telling Jules about my shirt'n'tie underwear in my head. He had one of those inflatable little cushions under his head; he looked so peaceful so I felt I shouldn't interrupt.
The next thing I know is Jules is shouting at me! AAAGGHH! What have I done I thought to myself. He was being so mean saying that I was evil for letting his cushion down and waking him up. "I didn't do anything I swear." I said to him
God I need your help.
Albert and Fab finally agreed to let me in their Secret Sexy Society on one condition. I have to sing 'Lets Get It On' by Marvin Gaye at a karaoke. They said they'd let me in if I do this in front of all our friends and that means Julian too. Oooo I'm so scared God but I have to do it. If I'm in a Secret Sexy Society Julian will be really impressed. Like the time when I played the Pink Panther tune on my bass at rehearsal. But more impressed. I hope. So anyway I've practiced in front of my mirror at home and I kind of feel Sexy when I do it. Like when I wash my self slowly in the shower. I have the screaming in excitement parts down. Mom shouted up the stairs at me to turn down the Motown, which rhymed Gosh Mom is so cool at times, for a Russian. So anyways I can practice in front of the mirror ok but I need the confidence to do it at the karaoke bar. Fab and Albert sang a duet 'I Got You Babe' by Sonny and Cher which I thought was cheating by the way. Also they said I have to swivel my hips when I do it. Whatever that is. I feel a little more confident when I wear my Shirt'n'Tie underwear. Albert is so jealous and has offered me his little black book for them. But the underwear isn't enough God. So I need some confidence please. I'd love to be more outgoing but I feel embarrassed sometimes and I don't know why. The Gigs at Reading and Leeds were great. I purchased a hazy escape at the alcohol place for some Dutch courage but it turned out to be Non alcoholic wine or something. I silently swayed calmly and collected onstage. Some fans were chanting "Nik!Nik!Nik!Nik!" during Nicks solo. Was that you God? Thanks anyhow. All the guys were drinking beers onstage but I felt I had consumed enough in my little airplane bottle of Jack Daniels. The little bottle was so cute. I could give that to Jules as a gift. Gig on the Green in Glasgow was amazing too. Those guys are so loud. Thank goodness I had my earplugs in. When Matt was onstage before we went on some fans were shouting on Fab. What's with Matt looking like Fab so much? Maybe he likes him. Wow! We could double date Julian and Fab! That would be too much fun.
Oh God I need this confidence so much! Please help! Maybe you could help Matt out too. If he needs some. Also God, I keep having this bad dream and I'd like for you to make it stop. In the dream I'm sharing a bag of nuts with Julian on the couch and we're watching Sleepless in Seattle. I'm cuddling into him then, next minute I'm running down an empty freeway from One of Nicks Eyelashes. I hate his Eyelashes! They're so big and shiny. The Eyelash chasing me is about 7feet and it's all black and shiny (probably because of all the mascara). He is such a girl. I always wake up in a cold sweat sucking my thumb. So please God could you make that stop too. I know you're good for it. And Thanks for the free Squirrel toy with my Corn Flakes. Fab really envies it.
